Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 9, 2020
1.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 10, 2020
2.
Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?
Me: Just giving you a show.
Wife: Can I change the channel?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2020
3.
Wife: [still sleeping]
Me: [tiptoes around in socks, whispers, uses headphones for TV]Me: [still sleeping]
Wife: [runs blender, organizes baking pans, sings “Oklahoma!”]— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 15, 2020
4.
Who needs a gym, I can get a full workout trying to wriggle my way under my wife’s weighted blanket for some cuddle time.
— Jester D is for Distance (@JustMeTurtle) April 18, 2020
5.
WIFE: can you pass the salt?
ME: *passes salt*
WIFE: no that’s the centerpiece salt, i mean the one from the cabinet— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 14, 2020
6.
If your marriage is feeling strained during this quarantine, have you tried closing your mouth when you chew?
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 14, 2020
7.
I’m just a man standing in front of the kitchen cabinet, asking it not to drop the tomato cans when my wife opens the cabinet
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 13, 2020
8.
Never underestimate how many times your husband can do the exact same thing wrong.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 13, 2020
9.
I spent about 20 minutes searching our entire house and yard for my husband and it turned out he had snuck into the backseat of the car to take a nap, if anyone’s looking for quarantine hacks
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 15, 2020
10.
My wife is taking a walk to listen to the new Fiona Apple album without distraction and I hope she comes home instead of joining a coven of other Brooklyn women on the same journey she is.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 17, 2020
11.
My wife has a headache so I have to get a headache so she doesn’t get mad at me for not having a headache.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 11, 2020
12.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
— Prime Nate (@GorillaNipples1) April 20, 2020
13.
Wife: *asks me for a minor favor*
Me: Not right now. My life is falling apart.
Wife: How is that different than any other day?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2020
14.
My wife: I bought you a hoodie.
Me: Thank you! Where is it?
My wife: I’m wearing it.— Philsolation (@geowizzacist) April 11, 2020
15.
Intercepting packages between my husband & Amazon has been my quarantine cardio.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 10, 2020
16.
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: So you used th–
ME: I used the rest of the toilet paper to mummify myself, yes
— Michael, Quarantine Edition ? (@Home_Halfway) April 13, 2020
17.
Just asked my husband what day it is. He’s Googling it. I’ll get back to you all with the results.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 8, 2020
18.
Wife: *Talking*
Me: *Not listening*
Wife: Great! So it’s a plan then.Oh, fuck…
— Jester D is for Distance (@JustMeTurtle) April 16, 2020
19.
My wife is using this opportunity to home school me.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) April 8, 2020
20.
Me: I finally came up with the thing that’s gonna make us rich!
Husband: If it’s another shitty cereal idea, I don’t want to hear it.
Me: *tearing up my proposal for Pickle Crispies* YOU NEVER SUPPORT ANY OF MY IDEAS
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) April 12, 2020
21.
I can’t wait until this quarantine is over so I can argue with my husband in public again.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 8, 2020
22.
Due to being quarantined together, my wife’s daily average of eye rolls at me have increased from 2 to 10.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) April 7, 2020
23.
AN AMAZON PRIME DELIVERY CAR JUST DROVE BY THE HOUSE WITHOUT STOPPING HERE IS MY WIFE OKAY I THINK THERE MAY BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 15, 2020
24.
“What do you mean that doesn’t have pockets?!”
– my husband, every time I put something on
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) April 14, 2020
